My Life Journey through Mental Illness
by - Ann Marie Browning
In my life the long journey of mental illness seems to be a road. Mental illness is a pathway to follow that few people seem to understand. As a healthy young child; growing up in the town of Anderson, people could say that my life was normal. My laughter filled up a family's heart of joy and happiness. My mother once said to me "Ann Marie you always had a smile on your face when you were growing up - to me your life seemed happy". When the journey or road began my life seemed promising. During the fall of '92 I began a struggle within myself. My thoughts and chemicals in my brain were broken like the hard drive on a computer. My parents took me to see a doctor and the doctor asked me, "Does your head feel like a tornado?" I said "Yes". At the time my mind was confused, disoriented and sometimes very scary. The thoughts my brain produced and the voices I heard were not of this world. When I was at my worst my mind could not rest, my body could not sleep, I was losing weight, I couldn't talk about my problems, I had thoughts of dying, I thought the hospital was Hell and that I was being disciplined. My doctor realized there was a problem and for almost a year I received help from hospitals and Anderson mental health. Those were trying times for me as well as my parents.
Although mental illness is hard to overcome, my biggest supporters were my family and my doctor. My doctor was pushing me, and at the same time holding my hand, while also teaching my parents how to support me. My doctor is my hero and I will always have fond memories of her. Mental Health is an agency that should get more credit for what they do.
The road of recovery seemed to be an uphill climb. The turning point came when I went back to school. Many people whom I thought were friends did not want to have anything to do with me as if mental illness was something they could catch. They distanced themselves from me when I most needed friends. Still, I graduated from high school and attended Tri-County Technical College. Although I went for 2 years I didn't get a degree - I was more interested in getting a job and making some money.
My first real job was at Walmart – they hired me after I worked with Vocational Rehabilitation for 2 years. Getting a job has been one of my greatest achievements and working for Walmart has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. The long road seemed to be smoothing out. As I worked I got more comfortable with myself, I realized the voices were becoming quiet and I became willing to talk about having a mental illness. One day at work a friend told me that some people thought having a mental illness meant I was retarded, but then she told me that she knew from how I expressed myself that I was very intelligent.
Having mental illness has made dealing with life's tragedies more difficult – my mother died during the first year I worked at Walmart. It forced me to grow up a lot faster than most. Even though I had to be a big girl I clung to my Aunt and friends at Walmart. My mother's death forced me to be more open about my illness. Facing her death forced me to take responsibility for my illness. I had always blamed her for my illness. This was because she had it too; she had bipolar disorder.
While dealing with all these changes during the last few months I came across a book, The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. Reading this book helped me realize that having a mental illness was not my fault but that I had to take responsibility for it. It helped me to realize that if my parents had known more about mental illness they might not have done some of the things they did. My parents overprotected me, thinking it was the right thing to do. If they had known more they would probably changed not trying to keep me in a box or shadow me for the rest of my life.
Some of the other things I have learned about mental illness go deep. One of the main problems I have to deal with is the stigma. People with mental illnesses are so misunderstood. We still walk, talk, and breathe like everyone else. We also have feelings and deserve respect for what we are working to overcome.
As I travel on this road to recovery I stand tall. I have discovered that writing poetry and art help the most. Taking this journey seems like it is my life's true calling. When I am down and out these help me see that recovery is possible and that I am not "less than" because of my illness, I just may have to work a lot harder to get down the road.
Ann Marie
###